Buka Mata Buka Hati

Kakakku Dipepes Hidup-Hidup

“Maka sesungguhnya dalam kesulitan terdapat kemudahan. Dan sesungguhnya dalam kesulitan terdapat kemudahan.  

Aku suka sekali dengan ayat ini. Bukan hanya  nash agung. Ia kesucian yang ranum untuk dipetik. Bahwa kepedihan akan berbuah. Ujian diganjar setara. Bahwa airmata akan membuahkan permata. Betapa ujian adalah satu kemewahan. Bentuk lain dari kemulian. Kelak aku memahami dengan terang. Semakin tinggi kualias seseorang semakin berat ujian juga kesulitan hidup. Nabi, umpamanya, sosok suci yang menempati halaman satu. Karena ia manusia kualitas tinggi, ujiannya minta ampun hebatnya. Para sahabat juga aulia ada di bawahnya. Di bawahnyanya lagi para alim dan ulama. Sementara orang biasa terpuruk pada rangking terbawah. Maka ujiannya juga cetek-cetek saja. Tinggal aku pilih mau jadi yang mana? Yang istimewa atau cetek-cetek saja?

Usai satu kesulitan maka akan datang kesulitan lain dalam wajah yang berbeda. Dan mereka yang galau adalah yang percepatan tumbuh kembang iman dan pengetahuan tidak berbanding lurus dengan pertumbuhan masalah. Kalau perkembangan iman atau ilmunya setara mereka akan tegar. Tapi kalau njomplang. Ya itu lahirlah gelombang jamaah yang galau. Tak apa galau yang penting bisa lulus dari satu kesulitan. Lalu, sebagaimana nabi katakana, “Perbaikilah imanmu dari waktu kewaktu,” Tambahlah lagi iman dan pengetahuan menghadapi kesulitan yang baru. Begitu terus Sampai Tuhan berkata, “Ok! Semua permainan ini telah selesai, saatnya kamu pulang,”

Pada sudut lain ayat ini secara sembunyi-sembunyi ingin mengungkap sebuah rahasia, bahwa dalam satu kesulitan  diam-diam terselip dua kemudahan. Sebab ayat yang sama, definisi yang senada ditekankan 2 kali oleh kitab suci. Tinggal aku yang harus peka untuk menemukan dua kemudahan dalam satu kesulitan.

Kisah air Mata

Aku dilahirkan dari kesederhanaan. Bapak cuma tukang ojek, sebelumnya pedagang di salahsatu pasar tradisional di Jakarta. Aku sempat mencicipi kejayaanya sebagai pedagang. Tapi Sebagai tukang ojek tidaklah ringan jika harus menghidupi tujuh anak. Maka, ibu menyingsingkan lengan untuk memapah ekonomi kelurga yang lintang pukang.  Apa saja beliau laksanakan, mulai dari bantu cuci-cuci di rumah tetangga sampai katering dan jualan nasi uduk. Repot sekali memang. Apalagi urusan nasi uduk, harus bangun sebelum ayam berkokok namun untung tidak seberapa. Tapi dari yang tidak seberapa inilah kelak aku belajar dalil di seputar berkah. Tentang modal tak seberapa tapi melahirkan hasil raksasa.

Untuk tambah-tambah uang jajan aku suka ngojek payung ketika hujan, jual koran bekas untuk alas salat jum’at dan diajak ngamen kakak. Untuk urusan terakhir bapak sempat emosi dan memukulku dengan gagang sapu. Aku menyerah. Tapi kemiskinan tidak mau menyerah mengangkangi keluargaku. Belajar kuat, termasuk untuk tidak rendah diri ketika dicemooh dan di ceme’eh. Dan kuat belajar membangun benteng keyakinan diri dan keyakinan pada Allah bahwa hidup bukan hanya kubangan tangis. Tapi kakak tidak kuat. Walau ia jebolan sekolah elit yang notabene di isi anak para mentri. Kakak belum “cukup umur” ketika kehidupan merojok-rojok  seluruh otot, tulang dan sendi ekonomi kami. Ia menyerah pada kemiskinan. Ia tumbang. Kesadarannya mengambang tenang. Otaknya hang. Jiwanya melayang.

Batinku menangis. Hanya bisa mengajaknya dalam sesamudera doa dan air mata. Apalagi yang bisa kulakukan? Waktu itu aku hanya ABG, usia SMP, yang mesantren tapi kerjanya tidur. Namun begitu untuk urusan rangking sekolah, aku selalu di halaman satu. Tapi apalah artinya juara jika tak bisa memecutnya bangkit dari kejatuhan. Yang ku lakukan hanya bisa mengingatnya di setiap malam ketika aku belajar berzikir. Ia yang selalu membelaku di saat kalah berantem dan bocah-bocah nakal mengganggu. Ia yang mengajariku seni memancing, menunggangi sepeda, berenang, bermain bola dan memanjat pohon kelapa. Ia kakakku, salah satu resi kecil  kehidupanku telah menyerah.

Aku tahu banyak hal utama yang tersembunyi di setiap celah dirinya. Aku juga tahu ia letih ketika harus sekolah dengan baik tapi juga harus bisa mencari uang untuk memenuhi tetek-bengek kebutuhan sekolah. Apapun yang menghasilkan duit ia laqoni, jual koran, ngamen, nyemir sampai ngojek payung. Beragam pekerjaan yang membutuhkan mental baja dan muka beton untuk ukuran remaja. Terlebih ketika anak SMU seusianya, sibuk pacaran, ia khatamkan waktunya, bekerja sampai lulus SMA. Dan sibuk bermuka baja membendung hinaan diseputar profesinya.

Tak seputik pun sesalku mekar berkaitan nasibnya.  Bermula tatkala ia, yang baru belajar bekerja dipecat dan kekasih tempat ia menitipkan bulat-bulat seluruh semesta hatinya, malah berkhiyanat. hamil oleh kawan dekat. Seluruh hati dan tujuh lapis langitnya lebur. Hancur seperti kapur dilindes buldozer. Lantas ia melarikan diri pada ilmu-ilmu gaib, zikir-zikir absurd (tak jelas) dan Ngelmu batin melalui guru-guru yang tak mumpuni. Ada hasil memang. Ia tahu dimana barang hilang. Bisa “neropong” dan ajaibnya, bisa ngobati orang stres. Tapi segalanya harus ditukar mahal. Kakak  mulai hilang ingatan. Inilah pelajaran raksasa, jangan sekali-kali berurusan dengan dukun, orang pinter, dukun berjubah kiai atau apapun gelarnya. Mereka Cuma Cari Duit!

Makin parah sakitnya. Makin parah hinaan datang, ditambah lagi mimpi-mimpi jilid kehidupan baru tentang pekerjaan yang mentereng, calon istri yang cantik, juga kehidupan gemah ripah loh jinawi Yang tak pernah menghampiri.  Ia letih. Jiwanya letih. Otaknya letih. Menteri kesehatan, mungkin juga letih. Dan keluarga kami merintih karena para tetangga melafazadkannya dengan sebutan gila. Pada sujud-sujud panjang dan di atas sajadah tua yang banjir air mata, aku lebur dalam doa, “Duh Yang Maha Digdaya, Siapa lagi selain Engkau yang kuasa meruntuhkan segala “gerhana?”

 

Bagaimana jika aku adalah ibu.  Dengan keletihan mendidik seraya membesarkan tujuh anak yang berentet seperti pagar, berikut keterbatasan juga kemiskinan yang tak bosan menghajar, apa masih tersisa sabar?  Jika aku adalah mamakku mungkin pecah kepalaku. Remuk langitku. Melengkung seluruh tulangku.

Mamak yang dengan uang tak seberapa yang selalu berusaha mengobatinya. Bahkan uang receh terakhirnya selalu habis karena tak tega membelikan kakak rokok. Hobi sekali ia ngeroko. Di kasih sebungkus, habis. Dua bungkus, ludes. Berapa pun yang disodorkan  pasti di sedot tuntas. Tapi anehnya, tak pernah ia batuk. Bertahun-tahun bahkan tak pernah sekalipun batuk. Pernah kuberdoa agar seminggu aja ia batuk. Bukan berharap berhenti, tapi sekedar mengurangi. Agar “jin”dalam dirinya tertekan, bosan dan tak lagi rajin merokok. Sebab saking nyandunya, kerap ku lihat ia mengais puntung di jalan. Sering ku cegah. Tapi ia malah tertawa dan berkeliling mencari rokok. Sedih sekali. Apalagi cuma untuk sepuntung rokok ia harus mengais-ais sampah. Kalau mamak tahu, tambah sedih lagi, tambah runtuh  lagi air di matanya.

Sudah berobat sana-sini, utang kanan kiri, kakak malah makin sering tertawa sendiri. Ada sesuatu yang menguasai dirinya, ia selalu tertawa. Tidak satu detik pun ku lihat ia menangis. baginya yang ada cuma tawa. Dalam satu diskusi saat kuliah psikologi sempat kubertanya. Apakah orang gila yang tertawa itu tanda ia bahagia dengan dirinya. Happy dengan kondisinya?  Nyaman dengan status sosialnya? Apakah tertawanya itu cuma bikinan? Dan dalam kondisi seperti itu kemana diri “sejati”nya  apakah tengah tertidur? Atau bermain bola dengan Lionel Messi di Barca sana?

Tak habis keingin tahuanku. Ia yang katanya gila. Masih tahu makanan enak. Masih ingin  rumah reyot kami dikeramik dan dibangun megah. Anehnya lagi, ia masih melek duit. Setiap sore ia ngojek. Dan pulang setelah uang cukup untuk membeli satu atau dua bungkus rokok.  Hebatnya lagi kini ia bercita-cita jadi ABRI. Gagah sekali. Keinginan yang menyesakkan. Jika ada tetangga atau orang yang ajak ngelamar jadi TNI, cepat-cepat ia bersolek rapi, bawa ijazah dan perlengkapan lainnya. Ketika semua siap, ia datangi yang mengajak. “Sudah tutup. ABRI nya lagi latihan perang semua.” Bukannya sedih, kakak malah tertawa. Dan semua yang melihat tertawa. Hanya keluarga kami yang haru, sedih dan marah. Koq, bisa orang sakit begini di bohongi. Begitu terus berulang, berkali kali di kerjain habis-habisan. Bagaimana kalau yang gila itu Bapaknya? Adiknya? Kakaknya? Atau seluruh keluarganya! Berikut tujuh turunan mereka, gila semua, apa masih bisa tertawa?

Pernah pula ia pulang dengan mata bengkak biru lebam. Pipinya bonyok kanan kiri. Cukup sudah. Kuambil golok ku kudatangi tempat biasa kakak nongkrong dengan mata penuh api. Satu per satu ku tunjuk-tunjuk batang hidung mereka dengan golok. “Binatang kalian semua! Ini golok belum pernah nyedot darah. Jangan tanggung-tanggung maju semua.” Semua diam. Mereka terhenyak, aku yang santun, pendiam, Yang keluar rumah cuma untuk sekolah atau salat jamaah tiba-tiba kerasukan begini. Dengan dada penuh “naga” kutantang lagi “Maju, gue bacok semua! Gue matiin,gue tenggak darahlo pada.”

Allah masih melindungi. Tak ada yang tunjuk tangan. Andai aku tahu, mungkin ia mati, atau aku yang jadi bangkai, atau bisa jadi banjir darah. Mungkin mereka tahu, dulu waktu mesantren aku pernah bersentuhan dengan ilmu kebal. Tapi itu bersentuhan bukan belajar. Guruku dulu cuma meniup, lantas, tanpa ampun ia membacok lenganku. Kaget sekali waktu itu. Tanganku memang sakit. Tapi, Aneh tak ada setetes darah pun keluar. “Kebal itu gampang. Yang susah adalah bagaimana kita istiqamah dan kebal ketika dibacok kehidupan.” Jelasnya.

Di”pepes” Hidup-Hidup

Beragam pengobatan baik medis mau pun alternative telah kami kembarai. Dalam suatu pengobatan alternatif. Bahkan ia pernah di pepes. Aku Sempat  komplen, Enak aja emang kakak ikan apa?  Tapi mamak tak perduli. Ia berharap kakak sembuh. Inilah yang kupelajari dari mamak, optimisme adalah mutlak. Langit boleh runtuh, bumi gonjang ganjing, presiden berserta menteri boleh ngompol di celana, tapi kita harus optimis, apapun, dimana pun dan kapan pun!

Tapi optimisme mamak kali ini bagiku salah tempat. Tidak satu alif pun dalam Qur’an tercantum tehnik pengobatan dengan cara memepes manusia. Serius! Kakak memang di pepes! Ia diikat di atas balai bambu. Di bawahnya menganga sebuah tong besar dengan mulut yang tak berhenti menyemburkan “wedhus gembel” kecil. Sebab di bawah tong itu, api meraung berkobar-kobar.

Aku sempat melarang. Tapi mamak optimis. “Dia itu Orang pinter.” Justru sama orang kaya begonoh, harus hati-hati. Orang pinter itu cenderung minteri. Jangan sekali-kali datangi itu. Kata Nabi bisa bikin iman kondor! Bikin tauhid kita peyot! “Tapi ia sudah haji dua kali.” Waduh Mak,mauhaji seribu kali. Walau ia pernah naik haji ke planet venus sekalipun. Tidak ada sejarahnya ngobati wong, Mulai  dari engkongnya Nabi Adam sampai Muhammad Saw, harus dipepes begitu. Dalam Tibun Nabawi, tak ada tradisi pengobatan yang mengerikan seperti itu.

Mamak tetap bersikukuh “Kata orang-orang, yang stress banyak yang sembuh kalau digituin.” Ini lah satu “kehebatan” lain mamakku, selalu khusnu dzon, baik sangka,gampang percaya orang. Justru khusnu dzon model begini kerap dimanfaati “orang pinter.” Dengan cara itu, menurut si orang pinter, Para jin yang sangat tua yang bersemayam di dalam tubuh kakak akan ngibrit. Energi energi negatif yang selama ini terbaring di tubuhnya kabur morat marit. Tak percaya aku, apa lagi selama pengobatan di sana kaki kakak diborgol. Biar tidak kabur, katanya. Dasar pemalas ngobati wong, koq diborgol.

Orang gila sekalipun punya kebebasan untuk beraktifitas? Toh kakak tak pernah rusuh apalagi bakar-bakar bikin onar. Bagaimana kalau tengah malam buta, kakak ingin buang air? Sementara si orang pintar  tidur seperti kerbau. Otomatis akan disemburkan begitu saja segalanya di ceIana. Bagaimana jika hal ini dibiasakan berhari-hari, berminggu-minggu atau berbulan-bulan? Ini sama saja melazimkan, bahkan memaksakan dirinya untuk ngompol.

Membayangkan manusia bangkotan kaya gitu buang air di setiap inci lantai rumah, aku gemetar. Bakal tambah repot lagi mamak. Rumah kumuh kami akan banjir ompol, belum lagi tinjanya yang harum mewangi. Wahai, betapa akan bertambah lagi pahala kesabaran ini. Apalagi saat melihat ia diborgol  bertepatan malam Iedul Fitri. Aku dan bapak menjenguknya membawa makanan dan sehelai pakaian baru. Agar, pada malam mulia ini, ia tak bersedih dan merasa sendirian. Niat awalnya ingin menyenangkannya. Tapi malah aku yang berduka. Pada malam ketika seluruh kesalahan dibebaskan, tatkala segenap alfa diampuni, kebebasan kakak malah dipateni. Pada malam ketika seluruh muslim sedunia berbahagia bersama lantunan takbir yang makin membumbung, aku makin berkabung. Seraya bertakbir hatiku melolong, menjerit, menangis sejadi-jadinya memohon kebesaran Nya hadir dan menolong kami.

Akhirnya hari yang mirip saat Ibrahim yang mulia dibakar Raja Namrud tiba. Mungkin kisah monumental ini yang  menjadi landasan teologis si orang pinter yang naik haji di planet Venus itu untuk “membakar” kakak. Aku sudah menentang dan ingin sekali menyunat “Namrud kecil” ini. Kalau perlu menyunatnya sampai tujuh kali. Biar habis sekalian, biar sadar total kalau apa yang dilakukannya salah. Tapi ibu bersiteguh. Aku mengalah, lantaran hormat pada ibu. Aku menyerah, pergi dari rumah dengan membawa seluruh kesedihan dan kengerian. Ngeri karena tak kuat membayangkan seluruh ketakutan juga seluruh kesakitan yang akan diderita kakak.

Dan, Allahu Akbar, oleh “Namrud kecil” itu kakakku benar-benar “dibakar.” Di atas balai bambu tubuh kurus keringnya direbahkan, diikat, dan “Dipepes” hidup-hidup! Di bawahnya menganga sebuah tong besar dengan mulut yang bergolak-golak, tak putus-putus menyemburkan uap panas. Sebab di bawah tong itu, api meraung berkobar-kobar. Kakak bergetar hebat. Meronta-ronta keras diserbu kesakitan dan rasa panas yang mengganas. Sebagian punggung kakak ku lodoh. Gosong dan bernyenyeh. Ngeri, ngeri sekali.

Entah berapa ratus malam, entah berapa ribu jam ia menderita. Tak tertidur. Tak mau mandi karena sebagian besar punggung melepuh. Pada malam-malam sepi, ketika orang-orang sibuk tertidur ia mengerang. Dan itu terjadi berbulan-bulan. Lebih mengerikan lagi sejak ritual menyesat itu sakit kakak malah tambah parah. Ada bagian dari jiwanya yang tidak terima dan itu dipertontonkan dengan cara yang memalukan.  Banjir ompol dimana-dimana. Di setiap inci lantai rumah, pekarangan tetangga juga tempat mana pun ia nongkrong. “Dimana bumi dipijak di situ ompol dijunjung.” Menggetarkan sekali. Dulu Membayangkan manusia bangkotan kaya gitu buang air di setiap inci lantai rumah, aku gemetar. Sekarang yang terjadi di luar jangkauan nalar.  Kakak menjadi WC umum berjalan!

Parade kengerian ini lantas bertambah memusingkan. “Sudah miskin, gila, nyusain orang lagi. Baunya itu. Bikin susah orang,” begitu maki orang. Aku tahu hati ibu menangis, tapi di depan anak-anaknya ia berusaha tegar. Dulu kakakku masih terurus, setiap hari, bayangkan, setiap hari selama bertahun-tahun, dengan sabar dan cinta tangannya yang mulia memandikan kakak seperti bayi. Bayi berumur 25 tahun lebih. Dengan semerbak wangi kasturi versi kamar mandi. Kini kakak emoh mandi. Bahkan sekedar untuk ganti celana “wangi”nya, ia marah. Bahkan pernah memukul mamak dan bapak ketika mereka berusaha mengganti celana. Aku menangis, ketika tangan lemahnya yang dulu keluar dari rahim mamak menjadi radikal. Mamak yang melahirkannya dengan selangit rasa sakit, kesakitan di atas kesakitan. Kini, tangan lemah itu, gagah memukulnya. Kontan aku menangis. Tapi kakak malah tertawa.

Amarahku meraja. Untuk membendungnya, tangkas ku ambil wudhu, mengunci kamar, mengambil sajadah dan meledakan seluruh kesedihan dan segala harapan pada Allah. Hati, nurani, jiwa juga seluruh air dalam tubuhku pecah turun berduyun-duyun melalui mataku. Duh Yang Maha Perkasa. Siapa lagi selain Engkau yang mampu mengubah air mata menjadi permata”.

Bagi keluarga kami, inilah babak ketika Adam dan Hawa terpelanting dari surga.  Inilah Tragedi ketika Yunus bertahannus di kedalaman senyap dan amis perut ikan paus. Inilah Bab kegelisahan tatkala Qabil membunuh Habil,  yang berkelana diantara cabikan takut dan sesal. Harus mengapa? Kemana? Dan harus bagaimana memperlakukan jenazah manusia yang mati pertama. Mayat pertama yang juga saudaranya yang ia panggul berpuluh-puluh hari, sambil menangis. Bagi kami Ini lah hamparan ayat-ayat kesedihan, juz-juz cobaan yang tak tertanggungkan dengan berton-ton tangis yang menganak sungai. Bersambung

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